We arrived in Christchurch exactly six months ago. A half year.
A friend here in New Zealand told me that in her English class they asked the question: if you could choose to live as a poor person in a rich country or as a rich person in a poor country, which would you choose? After a short thought, the answer was unanimous: we have already chosen. Those who came here all gave up a kind of existence, left behind the home they created, their house, their life’s work. To be poor in a rich country. Everyone starts from behind to get ahead in life. we are rebuilding. We all chose the values and way of life that differed from our homeland, and we considered it better.
One of the signs of adulthood is that you are able to stay involved in something difficult for the sake of the future.
As children, there were situations in which we were stuck and frozen, which were excruciating. This is when survival strategies are formed. Some kind of internal, invisible escape routes.
Growing up (not only in body, but in soul, spirit, really) means you can become able to endure anxiety, pain, fear. You realise you’re not going to die from it. You have strength. And you don’t escape – neither physically, visibly, nor emotionally, on inner paths. You’re in it, you let it, you hurt, you live. And you get on. They say no one comes out of the storm unscathed. You’re not the same person you used to be. But this is exactly the meaning of the storm.
When the child is in pain and cries out, you can be there, holding a safe space for his/her pain. This is the greatest miracle. When he dares to show it, and you can be his/her strength and comfort. That is the very moment when his/her faith is born. Faith and proof that everything can be survived.
A visceral fear that haunts every parent moving abroad: Could all this become a trauma for my children?
According to Gábor Máté, trauma is something that cannot (was not) discussed. “The root cause of trauma is always that you had feelings that you were alone with and couldn’t share with others. If a child has emotional pain, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s going through trauma if he has the opportunity to experience and express the pain, and if he can find someone to support him in all of this. But being left alone with your suffering is unbearable for a child. That’s why he represses them, runs away from them. This is the cause of the trauma.”
If you have someone next to you in whose presence you can experience and accept the pain, then you will be able to “digest” what happened. Suffering is eternal. But we can bear it in strength.
One day we travelled to Akaroa. A family trip to this beautiful, French stylish place. It was heartwarming, and homey in a way. There you can find the Giant’s House. It is a magical space, the garden of Josie Martin artist. Art can heal. The excessive and exorbitant abundance of beauty what you can find here truly heals the soul. It speaks about the Love of Life. Every side of it. Suffering is the part of it, too. But don’t forget to be amazed! To be enchanted. Let the beauty give you a new perspective. Let it heal your wounds.
I wish all our own children, and everyone’s children, to have the courage to connect with the pain. And I wish us parents to keep a safe, loving space for them. Give hugs. Give hope. Give the beauty of life.
Not easy. None of them. But that’s what I pray for.
